Posted by: kaizen4life | January 29, 2008

How to stop being a booty call…

Ladies, my last post was a passionate call to arms.  Like the kings in historical movies, I was waving my sword in the air rallying the troops. 

But I know it’s easier said than done. 

If you read my previous posts, you know that I have just ended a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with R. It was not easy because I had feelings for him (still do) and was unsure about his feelings for me.  He’s also a nice guy and good in bed.  But when I was alone, I felt empty and unloved. 

I had a mini breakdown that involved crying and shaking on the floor.  Kind of embarrassing, but it made me realize what this ‘relationship’ was doing to my emotional health. I knew that I had to stop sleeping with men who were not committed to me. 

With that decision made, I then had to *gulp* tell him.  Not easy for a woman with the ‘disease to please’.  I eventually just blurted it out over the phone.  Once we got to talking about it, explaining myself was a lot easier.  I was brutally honest (which was easy because I was expressing my emotions).  I really had nothing to do with his sexual performance (understandibly a concern for him).

And I flat out told him “My emotional health is more important than sex with you.”

Yeah, I said it! It’s the truth!

I did it because I love myself more than I love having sex with him.  Ladies, that should ALWAYS be the case!  You are more important than him!

Of course, now is the time to set up some boundaries.  Boundaries are how you react to other people’s behavior.  You can’t change or control him, but you have full control over your own body.

Boundary #1 – Anger gets you a dial tone.  Decide ahead of time what type of anger is appropraite and stick to it.  With R, I chose to allow displays of frustration, but any name calling or yelling will get him the dial tone (and I wouldn’t answer any of his calls following)

Boundary #2 – After a week, Ill no longer explain myself.  I gave R a week (I didn’t tell him this though).  During that week, I fully explained myself over and over again.  I explained how I felt and why I was making this decision.  I sympathized with his frustration.  I didn’t get defensive.  After a week is up, then the deep conversations end.  Keep in mind, I am totally prepared to not talk to him again.  I’m actually surprised he’s still hanging around.

Boundary #3 – At the first attempt to get into my pants, I will leave and never associate with him again.  If I stick to my boundary #2, then this is easy because he should know exactly what I do and do not want to do. 

Each situation is different, so take your guy into account.  If I had said no to my ex husband (something I never did because I didn’t love myself enough not to have sex with an abusive man) there would have been anger, violence (mainly him tearing up the house), him threatening to cheat on me, etc.   If your ‘friend with benefits’ is childish and violent, then do it over the phone and never talk to him again.  (or just never answer his calls and fade away) We don’t need violent men in our lives!

I know this is heard, especially if you have the disease to please, or low self esteem.  Just keep telling yourself these two lines:

1) I am more important than him!

2) My emotional state is more important than his sexual needs!

If you are suffering from the ‘disease to please’, check out my blog http://untamedwoman.wordpress.com and join me on my journey.


Responses

  1. love is so messed up, there are no good, consistent answers.

    much like children.

  2. [...] he has now overstepped my boundary #2 and all hell broke [...]

  3. really nice one and keep it up!

    http://www.indiamatrimony.com for indian matrimonials

  4. i’m in something very similar, except i’m not yet ready to give it up. It’s still at the fun stage, but i can look ahead and see ‘the end’. I applaud and support you and wish you the best! I’ll keep re-reading this list for the future tho…

  5. i just ended one of these. Painful. He had complete control, total. Did not answer my messages often and I was pretty chill throughout. I had a bit of a challenge in ending it, it took a week and two solid attempts. Its not like he came and banged my door down but he did attempt one minor effort to “go dog walking”. I have seen the light however, this positively and absolutely is ridiculous for me. I am an attractive, vibrant, generous and creative woman and I am doing this low life, corrupt thing to myself. The work came when I realize there was something in my longing for a relationship that was similar to my relationship with my older brother, hero worship, oppression, submitting to his never ending lack of support and invalidity. Booty calls are a great example of invalidation – unless a woman can really do it just for the sex, but then why not buy a vibrator? That was my conclusion, buy a vibrator and I did! Best of luck if you are in one! And get out fast when it is time, don’t waste too much of your precious loving body and life.

    • Thank you for your story, swept. Booty calls can feel passionate and exciting but it’s usually the female that gets caught up in the ‘passion’. The guy gets his release and forgets about it until he is horny again. Hey may stick around after and watch a movie but if you are not in a committed relationship, you are being used! Ladies, don’t be some dude’s vessel!

    • Oh and I agree about the vibrater. Every female should have a couple! LOL

  6. That was great encouraging advice thanks so much. I’m having the courage to leav3

  7. Lol wow I just got out of one of these situations myself. It wasn’t easy gos we’d dated before then tried the fwb thing which lasted a year (with me always feeling like I drew the short end of the stick). Then when I found myself in tears I realized it just had to stop. So I just deleted him from my life, no explanations or forewarning required. I’m not sure if I should have told him beforehand, since we kinda were friends. But I guess I was angry and over it.
    Yes, the only reason why we get into these situations is cos we feel pretty low and areafraid that we won’t be able to find the kind of relationship we want, so we settle for crumbs instead of waiting for the full meal. Anyway I hope all you ladies heal from this experience.


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