I keep trying to wrap my mind around relationships and men. I just don’t get it. My parents are happily married and I always thought I’d have the same. I always thought that there was 1 man out there, destined to be loved by me and to love me in return. I firmly believed this.
Now I’m not so sure.
I’ve had 3 serious relationships in my life. D (my highschool boyfriend), C (My ex husband), and R (my ex lover). Those are also the only guys I’ve had sex with. As I said in previous posts, if I’m having sex with a guy, then I’ve pretty much fallen for him. I can’t have sex without getting strong feelings toward the guy.
Apparantly, guys are not the same.
R is still trying to hang in there, but we’re having deep, deep conversations every night about the status of our relationship. R is understandably frustrated, but he needs to get over it. I know that sounds mean and uncaring, but look, we aren’t married, we barely dated and he never committed to me. He was still seeing his ex while sleeping with me. So yes, he was getting free booty.
Now we’re discussing feelings (he says he really cares for me) and where we’re at and blah blah blah. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of R acting like he’s the victim.
For example: Yesterday we were joking about how I still have my Christmas tree up. He started to give me a dare:
R: If you keep your tree up until March, I’ll….never mind.
Me: What?
R: Well, I was going to say, I’ll give you a full body massage, but I can’t say that anymore.
Me: Why not?
R: You know. Because we’re not having sex.
Me: Well, you can get me a gift certificate for a massage.
R: No, I wanted to give you a massage but I can’t now.
And then we spent the next hour talking about sex and how frustrated he was because we can’t have it.
If I have sex with a man, does that mean I have to have sex with him for the rest of my life? There was no commitment (on his part), no deep expression of feelings (on his part. When I found out he was still seeing his ex, I got upset and showed too much of how I was feeling. Big mistake), nothing.
I’ve asked him if he wanted to be friends but he said no. He wants to try having a relationship without sex, though not as a boyfriend/girlfriend.
That’s right folks, he still doesn’t want to commit to me. Not that that was my goal in doing this, but I see no point in being with a guy if I’m not his girlfriend. That’s why I wanted to end it in the first place. If we’re not friends and I’m not his girlfriend, then what are we?
I’m good enough to fuck, but not good enough to exclusively date.
Why did I put myself in this position. I don’t see myself having sex with a man for a very long time. I just can’t be a booty call. I’m worth more than that!
Kaizen4Life 
Good for you:) I was in a situation similar to yours not too long ago, and finally ended it.
This guy sounds like a sleazebag and is definitely not worthy of your time!
By: schniad on January 24, 2008
at 6:03 pm
What do you think about women and their booty calls?
By: BD on January 24, 2008
at 8:07 pm
You should read the book “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. It will take you from doormat to dreamgirl.
By: aporia24 on January 24, 2008
at 10:22 pm
Why stay in contact with R if he will not commit to you?
By: militarymom34 on January 25, 2008
at 12:09 am
I don’t know. I don’t understand the ‘botty call’. How can she have sex with a guy and not feel anything? If a woman is able to do this, she might have someone else that she loves and is obviously justing using the booty call to tide her over until she can get the one she wants.
Of course, everyone is different. Some women are able to shut off their emotions and have a purely physical relationship.
By: kaizen4life on January 25, 2008
at 6:30 am
Believe it or not, I read that book a long time ago. Great book! My ex husband saw it and didn’t like it based on the title, so I gave it away. LOL! Like I said earlier, I was a big time door mat. Maybe I should buy another copy. I also have “Why men marry bitches”.
By: kaizen4life on January 25, 2008
at 6:32 am
Good question! I don’t know….
By: kaizen4life on January 25, 2008
at 6:33 am
The men who do love bitches don’t love them for long: once the pussy has been conquered, it’s time to dominate the next bitch.
By: Chuck Woolery on February 26, 2008
at 5:36 pm
Chuck, this reaffirms my belief that a woman should not allow herself to be ‘conquered’ until the man has shown his love/respect for her (the best way being a proposal).
Thanks for posting
By: kaizen4life on February 26, 2008
at 6:37 pm
Same as you, I’ve usually fallen for a guy before I have sex with them. My “bc” acted like he had fallen head over heals for me. Little did he know, I had totally fallen for him, so i bit – hook line and sinker. He’s definitely a pro at the booty call thing. First time we went out, before I even finished my drink, he said we had to leave, as he had to let his dog out. (No, I didn’t sleep with him the first time out. Next time, he said “I’ve been around people all evening, would you mind just hanging out at my place?” (he’s a bartender) Of course naive me, felt bad, and agreed. Soon it was “hang out” at his place, then he immediately drives me home. Sometimes we grab a quick bite somewhere first. Geez, I really do need the physical part of it all, and figured. I can have no sex and no relationship, or I can one of the two- sex and no relationship. So, I talked myself into letting myself be the “bc.” Recently when he texts, I feel so sad that I can’t even respond. Had to get in the “mood” when you just want to cry your eyes out. like you, I have to end this. But this is the last time. I can’t handle the disappointment yet once again. One can handle only so many disappointments. I have many many friends, so I’m going to commit to celibacy for a long while I think. I’ve never felt so strongly for someone, and never want to again. “The men who do love bitches don’t love them for long: once the pussy has been conquered, it’s time to dominate the next bitch.” I guess that’s just the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By: gg on June 22, 2008
at 12:50 pm
I hav a bootycall well had and we were more den jst fuck buddys when we started this we were good friends when the sex started we would talk and we would only have sex at his house or friends house bt clearly the sex was too good so we changed from having sex once a week to atleast 3 times and we would do it any where at any gvn time jst not broad day because he is embarassed to be ssen with me in public but I didn( mind given the fact that he was younger than me I understood. Time went by and I eventually told him I was developing a soft spot for him,at first he thought I was jokin but eventually he could see. Tthen one day at a house party he came with this hot friend of his which I really liked but couldn’t get with gvn the situation at hand..I had also brought a couple of my friends and one of them happened to be this gay guy. During that night my gay friend T as I call him comes to me and says he likes my fuck buddys hot friend which I also liked but couldn’t have so I didn’t wanna sell myself out I said to him y don’t u take B his available then he told me something that changed my whole world…T said he had already gotten with B on several occassions now I was left wondering whether or not this was true or not and if it happened during the time I was fucking him. So I took it upon myself to ask him straight out I mean worst case senirio is he could say yes he was gay or slap me but either way I had to I mean I started falling for the guy so I had to..which I did the next morning and he confirmed that it only ever happened once and it was way before we started our thing,as delighting as it was to hear that it was a long time ago I couldn’t help but feel hurt. So we had a huge fight that day because aside from finding that shit out I had also learnt that I could be pregnant. We fought day after day than he told me his not interested in anything beyond friendship with me and that pissed me off so badly I decided to get even..I wanted to torture him so I called his hot friend whom I call H and started flirting with him. I intentionally sent our conversations[H and me] to B knowing every well I would piss him off because he hated the thought of me and any other guy so my plan was working..on monday when B went to school I went ova to his friends house and fucked the pubity out of him. When he was walking me to the taxi station as I was about to board the taxi B showed up out of no where and stood for a while with H but I left. When I got home he texted me about how my day was I told him that it was okay just long and tiring and that’s when he got angry. He asked about me and his friend and I told him nothing happened but he persisted til he invited me to his house on the friday night. We had sex as usual but when we were done he brought up the subject of whether or not I fucked his friend and I denied then he started hitting me but luckily I could fight back so it was fun cause we didn’t get to physical but eventually I gave in and said yes and that’s when he broke my wisdom tooth just by a mere slap. I left and I told him I’m keeping the baby which didn’t sit so well with him cause he got so angry he didn’t talk to me for a week and than started blaming the pregnancy on his friend H. we eventually spoke and I made him understand that I slept with H only cause I was hurt and I broke down for the first time infront of him. I eventually had a miscarriage which left me heart broken and he was happy. We continued having sex and I fell pregnant again and miscarried again. Then things changed after the second miscarriage cause he was starting to treat me like a real bootycall cz we’d meet on mondays and fridays at some bush and we’d fuck with out talking then I’d hav to walk home alone cause when he was done he would get dressed and leave me there. He wouldn’t text me unless he was horny and I’d always give in til I saw that iv had enough. I fell pregnant and once again miscarried and that pushed me ova I ende things yet kept going back and still am cause I long for that day he falls in love with me. I love him but I can’t seem to make out if he feels the same way cause we fight like crazy over fucking other people especially hs suspicions of me. I hate him yet love him so much…..so sorry but I know how being unwanted feels like especially cause iv only eva loved once.
By: rachel on September 7, 2014
at 3:53 pm
Oh Rachel! Please leave the boys alone and take care of yourself. Quickies in bushes? And you have to walk home alone? He broke your tooth? No no no. I know you love him and this is not going to be easy but he does not love you. It may seem like he does because he acts so possessive but he just wants to control you and he doesn’t want to share his toy (i.e. you). My toddler does this with his toys too. He doesn’t care about them until his siblings start playing with them, then he suddenly wants to play with them. As soon as his siblings leave, he throws the toy down and forgets about it. When a man loves you, he doesn’t let you walk home alone after some bush sex. He doesn’t slap and punch you.
Sweetie, you need to never see him again and just take care of yourself. You will never find your true love if B is still in the picture. Your true love (or just an in-the-meantime love) will take you out on dates. Y’all will get dressed and go somewhere together and share some non-sexual contact. If you do have sex in the bushes, it will be a kinky, adventure that y’all share and afterward, y’all will dash home (together!), laughing and giggling about the silly thing you just did. He will respect you and want to spend non-sexual time with you. He will care about you.
But if you still mess around with B, you will not be in the right state of mind to recognize him when you meet him. B clouds your judgment and keeps your focus on him instead of on yourself (which is where it should be).
Stop letting yourself be used, sweetie. You deserve a relationship and a booty call is not a relationship.
By: kaizen4life on September 7, 2014
at 9:36 pm
Hey
I just read your blog!
Yours and my experience is quite similar.
I am the exact same when it comes to sex.. i dont have sex if i dont have feelings (strong feelings) for him.
I am currently seeing someone whom only just recently i confessed my love for him.
He knows that i dont have casual sex but yet i find myself sleeping with him but yet there is some substance there but i dont know what (emotional substance) but yet he cant ir wont express his feelings of me.
After telling him about my feelings he has not spoken to me about it..its like its all been forgotten by him.
I just dont know what else to do or should i just confront the issue i have with it to him and go from there.. we have slightly discussed things only very briefly with him saying to me that he has nothing to give to me ( materialisticly or emotionally speaking)?
We share quite some time with one another without sex.. we hang out he helps me alot with my car i also help him with things too..
I am confused .. would have any advice for me?
By: Jodie Campbell on September 8, 2017
at 10:53 am
It sounds like you two are in the dating stage. It’s ok if he doesn’t express his feelings yet, does he show you in other ways? Fixing your car is a good sign. Does he take you out on public dates? Is he seeing other people? Have you met his friends?
Not everyone is good at verbally talking about their feelings, so keep an eye out for non-verbal signs that he cares. If you start to feel used, or he is seeing other people, then it’s time to move on.
By: kaizen4life on September 8, 2017
at 12:42 pm