How to stop being a booty call…

Ladies, my last post was a passionate call to arms.  Like the kings in historical movies, I was waving my sword in the air rallying the troops. 

But I know it’s easier said than done. 

If you read my previous posts, you know that I have just ended a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with R. It was not easy because I had feelings for him (still do) and was unsure about his feelings for me.  He’s also a nice guy and good in bed.  But when I was alone, I felt empty and unloved. 

I had a mini breakdown that involved crying and shaking on the floor.  Kind of embarrassing, but it made me realize what this ‘relationship’ was doing to my emotional health. I knew that I had to stop sleeping with men who were not committed to me. 

With that decision made, I then had to *gulp* tell him.  Not easy for a woman with the ‘disease to please’.  I eventually just blurted it out over the phone.  Once we got to talking about it, explaining myself was a lot easier.  I was brutally honest (which was easy because I was expressing my emotions).  I really had nothing to do with his sexual performance (understandibly a concern for him).

And I flat out told him “My emotional health is more important than sex with you.”

Yeah, I said it! It’s the truth!

I did it because I love myself more than I love having sex with him.  Ladies, that should ALWAYS be the case!  You are more important than him!

Of course, now is the time to set up some boundaries.  Boundaries are how you react to other people’s behavior.  You can’t change or control him, but you have full control over your own body.

Boundary #1 – Anger gets you a dial tone.  Decide ahead of time what type of anger is appropraite and stick to it.  With R, I chose to allow displays of frustration, but any name calling or yelling will get him the dial tone (and I wouldn’t answer any of his calls following)

Boundary #2 – After a week, Ill no longer explain myself.  I gave R a week (I didn’t tell him this though).  During that week, I fully explained myself over and over again.  I explained how I felt and why I was making this decision.  I sympathized with his frustration.  I didn’t get defensive.  After a week is up, then the deep conversations end.  Keep in mind, I am totally prepared to not talk to him again.  I’m actually surprised he’s still hanging around.

Boundary #3 – At the first attempt to get into my pants, I will leave and never associate with him again.  If I stick to my boundary #2, then this is easy because he should know exactly what I do and do not want to do. 

Each situation is different, so take your guy into account.  If I had said no to my ex husband (something I never did because I didn’t love myself enough not to have sex with an abusive man) there would have been anger, violence (mainly him tearing up the house), him threatening to cheat on me, etc.   If your ‘friend with benefits’ is childish and violent, then do it over the phone and never talk to him again.  (or just never answer his calls and fade away) We don’t need violent men in our lives!

I know this is heard, especially if you have the disease to please, or low self esteem.  Just keep telling yourself these two lines:

1) I am more important than him!

2) My emotional state is more important than his sexual needs!

If you are suffering from the ‘disease to please’, check out my blog http://untamedwoman.wordpress.com and join me on my journey.